I am at a point where i have so much to say, but no one to listen
It's not ok, when you feel like you're losing it for a moment only to have a tight grab on reality again.
Have you ever had your heart throbbing for a mistake which you don't even know you did? Or maybe this whole unpredictability is causing a certain sense of paranoia and deep sense of insecurity.
Which begs the next question. Why?
It shouldn't, it shouldn't be and i have to find my way again.
It shouldn't.
And here's the thing. I hate myself. Rather, i hate myself in this place.
There`s something in this world that nobody has seen yet.
It`s something gentle and very sweet. And if you had been able to put your eyes on it, then you would yearn for it. That`s why the world has hidden it.
To make sure that not just anyone can get their hands on it. But at some point, someone will find it. That one person who is supposed to find it, is also the one who will be able to find it.
On the long way back home from Klang today, my mind begin to wander and drift away. Suddenly, felt like writing about my days practicing martial arts.
Couple of nights back, a fight broke out while i was having supper at Papa Rich with a bunch of friends. This huge guy was chasing another frail/thin looking guy, caught him in a sleeper hold and managed to lock him unconscious. This all took place before my very eyes.
While i would assume the rest in my group would either feel worried, scared, nervous, excited, uninvolved.... I wasn't moving. Legs pacing, but eyes locked on them. For me, i was actually analyzing the people involved in the fight. One swift moment, i pondered if attacked, who would i take down first. Observing the scrawny one, i believe i can take him down swiftly. The bigger one chasing him on the other hand, he looks pretty experienced in hand to hand combat. Taking him down would be harder, but as long as his grappling moves is countered (by keeping some distance), that would be an even fight. But the rational thought for any action was put on hold, until i figured out if they were any threat.... They aren't. It was a squabble over something else, but they both knew each other and a woman came to look over the unconscious guy while the bigger dude stood watching.
So back to the thought, where i was younger and honing my skill of self defense. I've posted before in the journal that as a fighter, i was only an average combatant. Nimble enough to be agile and flexible, but lacking power. Specifically, as my "Sir" would say, i have one of the fastest right foot swings, but lacking the impact and weight. I traded speed for power. Therefore I never got really far in sparring match, often playing for points rather than actual damage.
Then i remembered the days where i entered competitions and matches. Usually Taekwando competitions are broken into 2 category. Sparring and "Pattern". In sparring, the aforementioned battle was how it took place, mostly seeing how many hits you can gather for points. Furthest achievement for me is is the quarterfinals, lost out to the guy who knew my strength (and weakness) of my leg preference.
But if there's one achievement i am always known for, it would be in the "Pattern" competition. I've a Gold medal for it in individual category and a silver medal for the Group category. While usually lacking the adrenaline pumping and crowd gathering sparring matches, a "Pattern" competition focus more on the movement of grace and precision. It's not by just remembering the "Pattern" movements, no not easy as that. It actually is dictated in the controlled movement, graceful flow, discipline and the sheer timing of movement. I stop short of calling it an art performance, as each motion depicts an offensive or defensive stance.
In my one year for my school in Taiping, i managed to bring glory back for the Taekwando club in all competitions sent. The first time i won a Gold, i was honored during assembly. As a new guy in school, that's a pretty huge lift considering the school is well known for sports. But i did not find it a big deal, as the real joy actually already happened when i was announced the winner back at the match venue. Somehow, i am more ecstatic in victories during the moment rather than public honor.
Subsequent medals individually convinced the club to make me leader for their Group category. It would be the first time we're sent for it. Being a little selfish, i prefer the individual category, as working as a group is not easy. I can control myself, but not others. I can't expect them all to be similar to me.
But from there, i learned the importance to move as a cohesive unit. Knowing your members strength & weaknesses, and how to manipulate those. After much sweat and blood, on our first try, we managed a Silver medal. While the school was still proud of our achievements, i came out more endowed with knowledge to work as a unit and was determined for that elusive Gold in the Group category. Unfortunately, i was transferred to Johor and left the school shortly before the next competition. Relinquishing my leadership duties, last i heard was we did not even qualify for the quarterfinals.
As i was writing, the profound statement to me is i guess while i stopped short of saying "Pattern" is an art performance, in a way it is still an artistic showcase. A performance (yes, i know i sound contradicting... but hey, it's a random blog post).
When I told GodI didn't know what love was, I never knew that it would really feel like this, I never did… No… Had I known this, I can only wish that I did embrace you Long enough for even just one last time again...
It’s a long, long goodbye… “Goodbye to you, goodbye my love…” I cruelly tell myself Alone again, on my own, but I know I must live on I wave my hand, so gracefully and try to hide my tears The stars are shining just like on that night we met Ooh... I will never forget you, oh no...
When I first met you, stars were shining and I was born anew I now know that love exists, I know now that I exist, I exist because you wished I’m waiting for a hopeless miracle, somebody tell me what to do Blurred with tears up in these eyes, the spark that was in my heart is gone…
I won’t forget you, nor the faintest smile on your face; The kindness that you’ve shown; And all the memories, both good and bad, that we'll have… I await your appearance..
It’s a long, long goodbye… “Goodbye to you, Farewell to you, my beloved one…” You came into my life, and everything finally came to exist I was never really alone right from the start, now was I? Now I long for an answer..
I wish upon a shooting star up in the night sky to grant me this one wish: “To be loved is what I need, to love someone is what I’d give.” What more can I give to you? I’m dying here without the love I’ve longed from you It’s time to give up on your act, appear please?
Someone tell me what to do, these tears keep falling down my face… Why are they not stopping?
And if we were to meet me in this life soon, can you promise me this? When that time comes, baby please, never let go of my hand again; Take me into your heart, embrace my everything, please love me till the end Whisper that I’m not alone, as softly as the wind, my diamond crevasse
About 5 years ago, divine appointment willed such that we were thrown in the same "family"- The Neritons of Camp Cameron 05. That time, who knew what God had in store for us all.
My earliest memory of Jun & Chris (also known as Wonder Woman and Superman... if the titular picture above haven't gave you a clue) were very grainy & sloppy.
Jun i remembered seeing in the list of the family i'm supposed to stay with. I remembered as such, for her name sounds funny (haven't met anyone with the surname Eng... sounds like my Engineering abbreviation that time). She first came to my existence as the girl who sat beside another girl, whom i had a crush on. In other words, she was accidentally tagged along (smiles).
Chris on the other hand, came slightly later for the camp. I was already in the camp resting, when he came bustling in. Seeing me lying down in the bed, sounding gruff, he thought i was the camp counselor. It was later revealed to me i did not give a good first impression then. (I think it was because i told him to close the door on the way out). Heh.
Our camp experience, i shall leave it well kept in my memories. One day i shall recount, if i have the opportunity to tell the tale. For this story has a long way to go.... Suffice to say, me, Jun and Chris are the wackiest bunch who gel well.
(Having a ride in the Batmobile)
We were all a close bunch then, but the ones who remained through the test of times are not surprisingly, us. I would say Chris plays a big part in holding the trinity, as he is closer to Jun and hence being the glue that keeps us together. Well, in any case i'm grateful for it.
As character goes, i guess you'll never see a bunch of more colourful characters on display. Sticking to the theme of Trinity (and Superheroes), i'll draw it in comparisons to our alter ego.
As you can predict, i'm probably well known in terms of preparation and planning. Calculated risks, observation and attention to details, is complimented by being obsessive, cautious and at times, a jerk. Also, being the darkest of the three, i have issues. Lots of issues. Hehe.
Supes here is quite the opposite. He's gregarious, people friendly and open. Everyone can practically talk to him about anything. Artistic and also athletic, he's the most level headed and stable person i know. The man of steel who possess many gifts, Chris, is well known ultimately for his heart. His ability to discern what needs to be done and his unfailing courage enduring it. That's what makes him Superman in my opinion.
When thinking about Jun, i had to pause for a while. No, not because i couldn't find anything good to say about her (blur queen), rather i have too many good things to point out. So i'm just going to draw out her strongest points. To me, Jun will always be known for her honesty, compassion and the ability to look at things optimistically. Her almost care-free attitude at times rub me in the wrong way, but it's something i learn to appreciate (you see, i take things too seriously). Many a times Jun is there to advise me and practically have to be blunt (in-my-face) due to my stubbornness. Then when she realized how hard i took it, she'll then turn to her second nature and comfort me. Some things she said, hit me more than anyone:
"Then start valuing yourself and find someone that value, appreciates you. Instead of distressing yourself there. Be kind to yourself, stop beating up yourself by feeling sorry for yourself."
Thank you, Jun.
So there you go.... What consists of the TRINITY~
Throughout the years we have done some crazy stuff. For the memory....
(Chris' Birthday. We Operation BHD/bully him. Planning by me, execution by Jun. Well and expertly done. Captured on video, for those interested.)
(Ipoh- where Jun belted out Sexyback. My God... No one should miss the opportunity to karaoke with Jun)
This is normally what happens, the two would be bickering nonsense and i have to be the middle man enduring it all. Countless times!!!! For what it's worth, i enjoy being the referee. Of course usually i'll side Chris, just to bully Jun.
(Yes, i'm the un~smiling one)
Oh, and i made it for both their convocations. Also for Jun's wedding (while we await Chris'.. in the near future). You would wonder why Chris cried (ok, ok, we both did), and something i told him still rings true. Seeing that happy occasion happened to one of us, is such a bittersweet joy. On one hand, you're moving on to a new and wonderful journey, on the other hand it seems we're left behind...
Like i said, we can be goofy.
So, with my sudden long and lengthy post, what was my point in the whole of this actually?
Well, for some odd reason i felt it's an end of an era. No, not to say we'll never meet again or what nots....
Rather, it's a dedication to immortalize what we have in writing, or in any form of record. Maybe 5, 10 (or maybe 20) years down the road at least it will be recorded as such.
At times i marvel at God's wonder. For three such different individuals to be able to bond and share their lives together. Not trying to sound blasphemous, but that's also how the Holy Trinity works i guess. God, the Father. Jesus, the Son. And Holy Spirit. All three in one, the epitome of the Trinity working as one. All three are one, yet separate.
As for me, I'd look back and take what these guys gave me all, to my grave. For i know, i am the man i am today, by having fingerprints of this two people imprinted within this 5 years of my life.
One day, i'll look back at it all and fall on my knees...
Praising God and thanking Him for you.
“The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all." - 2 Corinthians 13:14
I'm abandoning this ship. 2 months to end the year, i feel like i've not done enough change in my life. Therefore, this is a brief preview of what i plan to do in the upcoming months... May i look at this as a reminder for myself. This time, fulfilling it.
List by year end 2010:
1. Leave behind people who are dragging you back. Even the close ones, the best friends, the lovers.... It has to be done, severing ties and making them to just another name. Why? Simple, because they never really cared nor thought of you. Why should you?
2. Stop caring. It's because you care too much you put a lot of your heart inside. In the end, when expectations are not fulfilled, you remained in tatters. Always remain to work for the better good... BUT never invest your emotions in it. Animal, children, friends... They all will leave you.
3. You are where you are at because you're weak. You think too much of the outcome and never really thought of the most important person.... yourself. So begin to be selfish and think of yourself First. Second. And always.
4. Never trust a woman. They are perpetual liars and manipulators. Although not necessary their fault, they're built as such. Some even does so unknowingly, but you should know by now. You've seen it happened to yourself, once, twice and thrice.. Wake up, boy.
5. Everyone bought, but you paid. Life is not fair, cry me a river. Get over it.
I see through your clothes Your nerve damage shows Trying not to feel Anything that's real You're losing control
Meltdown's looking for a new clown Living in a world that's make believe Used up burned out always got a hand out Ain't nothing here for free Now you're hanging on the edge of tomorrow Let go let it be
New circus freak With black eyes that speak Life takes it's toll You push and it pulls You're losing control
Hell bent looking for a god send Kicking down the door waiting for a sign Right side turning on the bright side That might not be what you find Wake up move on nothing left to prove Got nightmares in your dreams
She was just a little girl, terrified of me I had to pacify her with my songs and stories Slowly, she begin to draw near to me In the end, she loved me and looked forward to see me everyday I remembered, almost tearing up on the day i left... I wondered if she'll remember me.
4 years later...
She's already in primary school Standing 3 feet tall, wearing spectacles No more the timid little plump cry baby She couldn't remember me though But for a moment, she felt a familiar comfort A tale of endearment of a long long time ago A vivid memory of a tall, dark man with a guitar slung to his back.
4 years ago...
They were a dedicated bunch of colleague All women, i was the flower among the thorns I handled three classes, but was generally the "entertainment" teacher I taught English and told stories to kids from toddlers to 12 year-olds I sung, I cared and played with them With the help of this awesome bunch of young teachers I had an awesome experience there
4 years later...
None of them worked there anymore One is already married with a two year~old bouncing daughter One got married to a doctor, one of the children's uncle. One was never heard of again All seemed to have moved on with their lives Leaving a new bunch of teachers i've never met nor knew
4 years ago...
She was a young teacher Her smile and sweet nature took my heart Her dedication to the children, firm hands and fierce loyalty beseech society's ignorance of her background, education and upbringing She would assist me, provide me with all i need and most of all, give me a warm smile Something every person juggling a stressful student life and a part~time job would need Blessed with good chemistry and almost telepathic link to my mind Yet, we hardly are even able to communicate in the same language And for all i know, she had a little crush on me... At least that's what was said in her eyes, before she saw me for the last time
4 Years On...
She came over and caught my attention with her smile Her eyes fleeting as they met mine, her smile warm She came with a huge belly, bulging with a little child inside She's happily married... She still retained her glow But this time, glowing with the radiance of a would be mother Silently, we nodded at each other Secretly, wishing the best and a good future I wish i was bold enough to lay my hand on her pregnant stomach Hoping to bless the child with a prayer And the mother, for a fulfilling life.
4 Years Ago, 4 Years On...
How much then have i grown? How much have i changed
Significant song by Fish Leong which kinda explains a certain situation i'm having...
No Ifs
If i said that there are no ifs to loving me Missing that chance, would you be sad? If "if" were to be used as an excuse Isn't that a little feeble?
If i said that there are no ifs to loving me If you really love me just give it a go What's there to think over, what's there to be afraid of? Hurry up and take my hand
Someone once said The furthest distance in this world is not between life and death But its when i'm standing right in front of you but you don't know that i love you I always say If humans have to restrain themselves even for loving someone Then the end of the world is already here There's no need to wait until the day the earth is destroyed
If, if, if, if, if If it all ends in "if", I can't accept it Missed it, missed it, missed it, missed it, missed it I'm even more miserable than you, I won't missed it again and again
Don't be afraid of happiness don't be afraid of losing me
Just hurry over and take my hand...
You're halfway in, but don't take too long Just take a hold of my hand, i'll show you what it can be like, Take a hold of my hand and i will take you there
